My favorite Christmas present

I'll forgo a laundry list of my yearly haul, but I can't resist extolling my favorite gift. So quick background, I like to cook on occasion. I really don't know what I'm doing but hey often times it's quite good. In my amateur culinary endeavors, I have developed a deep loathing of cheap dull knives. This Christmas my wife gave me a Zwilling J.A. Henckels "Professional S" Chef's knife. When she bought it the sales person asked if she was going to culinary school. It's not just sharp, it's absurdly sharp, and will easily stay that way longer than any other knife I own. It makes me want to cook just for the excuse of cutting cutting up a big pile of vetables.
Sadly, it has become apparent that not everyone understands my excitement over a peice of bifurcating iceharded stainless steel. That's fine; if they're happy with their Ronco specials, that's their business , but in my house we apreciate fine cutlery.

Cat lady of pet peeves

I'm starting to worry that I'm to easily annoyed. Little things just really rile me up sometimes. My new laptop for example (to be correct its the university's new laptop which I have the privilege of using) has the delete key up next to the F keys instead of down next to the arrows like my old one and it drives me nuts. And I really hate how smokers throw cigarette butts every where. And don't get me started on gap closers. I digress. . . why? because I am the Old cat lady of pet peeves. I've got loads of them; I hoard them and I'm getting more and more as I get older. Sure, I need to relax, let go of things I can't change before they fill up my house full of feces and urine, until I and die leaving my home to be cleaned up by hazmat and my children thinking it was all there fault and they should have stopped by more. Sorry maybe I took the metaphor a little far. But maybe I sould let it be, live and let live and all that serenity blah blah.

No! I say, nothing will ever change unless someone like me makes noise. Would we have this great nation if the founding father just decided, ah I can't change things the British aren't that annoying. Would we have air conditioning if people just thought " it's hot but I can't change that". Would we have disposable diaper because someone was annoyed with washing cloth diapers which is definitely gross. Or would we have easy cheese if someone didn't get annoyed with cutting up lots of little pieces of cheese for their crackers. Or would we have Velcro shoes it old people didn't get tired of tying their shoes? Or would I have death ray on my car that gives a severe sun burns to anyone that attempts to close the gap when I changing lanes? . . .wait still working on the "death ray" but one day people will think twice when closing gaps mark my word mooohohohohwaahahahah.

But then again, I guess all this whining just makes ME annoying or move the delete key on my computer.

SPAM idiopathic animal product and mail box fodder

Okay I'm really writing about email spam but how could I resist a reference to our favorite canned protein source, (I know everyone one prefers soylent green but that's not canned and it gives me gas). Ooo shiny!

Okay Internet spam. To generate most spam the little social deviants send out computer viruses that turn your computer into an email sending zombie. These silicon powered drones then fill our mail boxes with offers of various forms of enhancements, cheap medication, or fake emails from your bank. So people ask why do they do it? Simple, there are enough people that respond to these things that you can make a great living. Simply put, its stupid peoples fault. If no one answered they'd quit and move on to better schemes.

This is also tied to identity theft. Because it's also how they steal credit card numbers and so on. One article I read said the going rate for all the information you need steal someones identity and empty their accounts is $20. Obviously there is no shortage of supply, and also speaks to the sad state of most of our bank accounts.

Throughout history no society has been able to eliminate stupidity. So long as Spam and Identity theft depend on it they will have ample supply. Since you can't fix stupid, I propose an alternative approach. My solution depends on a group effort (yes I know it's an inherent flaw). Since cutting off the flow of information is unfeasible, we should flood the spammers with bad information. I declare a processed meat war, let us fight fire with fire, give them a taste of their own medicine, and spam the spammers. If everyone replied to two or three spam emails a week with bogus credit card numbers and fake names the vermin would be so overwhelmed they could never actually find the poor saps looking to enlarge their manhood. Banks should leave laptops with whole databases full of fake accounts in cars just waiting to be stolen.

So am I a genius that has found the first viable solution to both unsolicited emails and identity theft or should I go back to Immunology?

Hula hoops Mascot to Bueracracy

So I get paid through grants. Either through the department I'm in or my mentors research grants or is the case now and NIH training grant. No to get a training grant is really an honor. I had to do interview and get letters of recommendation ect. What this means is, is that while I get paid the same the money comes from somewhere else. Additionally my Mentor doesn't have for the bill for pay me and we have more money to do fun stuff and by cool equipment.

While there is a small army of very competent secretaries sorting out the rubrics cube that is academic research funding, the government is involved and so therefore complecated. To make matters worse the taxability of each funding source differs and the title of my position for which I am being paid differs.

Let me attempt to explain the circus that surrounds my paycheck. I entered graduate school in a feeder program called CMB. That money is not state or local taxable, but is federally taxable. However the University will not withhold any money for taxes. In Aug. I became an member of my degree granting department (Microbiology). Money from them which is paid by my mentor is fully taxable except FICA, and they do withholdings. But late Aug. I get a training grant, yah. Money from them is like the CMB program. But they didn't get the paperwork in fast enough and they paid me for Aug. out of the Micro. dept. which one would think would be fine but. They money from the training grant is extra. Grant money if not spent soon enough goes away. They needed to get me started by Aug. or the money to pay goes back to Uncle Sam. In the middle of this my tuition and health insurance which is paid by the same source as my stipend what ever it be at the time didn't get paid and I got a late fee. Now I go in and they pay the tuition but not the insurance. I was told to pay the insurance and they'd pay me extra. But at the time they thought the Micro. Dept. was paying for Aug. so then they realize they have to post date my apointment into the training grant (or the money goes away) So now they are going to pay my insurance and the university will give me a check. But I also need to pay them for my Aug. stipend (which was from the micro. dept.) (yes they are paying me and then I'm paying them) and then they'll pay me for Aug and Sept. from the training grant.

Makes perfect sense, right?

Gordo the "little pitty

So I'm getting ready for bed, and while I'm waiting for my wife I'm checking my toe nails to see if they need a trim. During the inspection my wife with fresh mint breath declares, " That is the Fattest pinky toe I've even seen!" I was a bit shocked, first this was not her first view of my feet. Next I don't think that my toe is even big boned. But according to my wife the littlest pitty that goes wee wee wee all the way home needs to spend some more time in the gym. Frankly the insensitive way that she said it worries me that my poor dimmunitive digit will develope self esteem problems and maybe even an eating disorder. Then I'm sure my wife will laugh when I fall over because my outermost support is to weak from only eating iceburg lettus to hold me up.

What is the difference between a duck?

In the first ever what's the difference between a duck survey, the winner is . . . drum role please. . . okay I'll skip the drum role due to budget constraints. . . "Hydrophobic fishsticks!" "You lied to me!?!" came in a close second. I'd like to thank all of the contributing silliness, inside jokes, and comic anecdotes.

The winner will be signing autographs after the award ceremony. My understanding is, there will be an after party, but I've apparently not been invited.

Are you a doctor, a doctor or both?

As a graduate student in the biological sciences on a campus with a medical school, I live near the collision of two very different worlds. Every day I am surrounded by Doctors of Medicine and Doctors with a Ph.D. and even, for the highly motivated multitaskers, people with both. Now there are some great research scientist with M.D. but many M.D. in research just dabble in my world. Luckily for patients I do not ever dabble in clinical work(mostly for those pesky legal things called laws that and respect for human life). Certain attitudes differ between there two circles. For example medical students and residents are expected to accrue large amounts of debt and temporarily abandon their families to pursue their education. Graduate students are paid a livable (though not luxurious) stipend and our schedule is dictated by our infrequent class, how long a given experiment is, deadlines for abstracts, but mostly how late we can show up and still find a place to park.

No where are attitudes more divergent than concerning the indispensable lab coat. For my clinically inclined counterparts a lab coat is a badge of honor and respect. There are even meanings placed on coat length. They are worn to distinguish themselves from the non M.D. masses. During lunch the local eats are filled with white coats enjoying a high trans fat meal. In lab a lab coat mean something entirely different. It is an apron for science nerds. It's sole function is to keep crap off me and my clothing. Traces of mouse feces, blood and urine, various carcinogens, caustic chemicals, and possibly, if I've been sloppy, some low level radioactive tritium could be found on my coat. I have a long coat because it keeps the above list from finding it's way onto my pants while I'm sitting. So when I see doctors in there bright white unstained coat eating together, I think, "I could where my coat feel important too", but it's about the last thing I'd want to wear while eating (carcinogens and mouse poo give me gas).