I've often heard that the anticipation of something is worse than the actual event. Now for the normal means of suffering this can often be the case. I am currently dredding a long thousand mile oddessy to Omaha. While I'm sure that the family reunion will be an over abundance of bonding, love and good times, the drive there and back will be my own private CIA interogation. Many might say it won't be as bad as you think it will be. As a veteran of more than my fair share of long car rides, I can assure you that my current dread will be nothing compared to the drive itself. From the momment you get in the car you are waiting to get out. I am quite literally anticipating the anticipation. While there are distractions like music or conversation with my carming wife, I will be for 14 hours be waiting to get there. It is anticipation amplified to levels forbidin by both the Constitution and the Geneva conventions. Most of all I'll be driving most of the way. Kristin she'll sit back, sleep watch a movie, read. The only movie I get to see will be 942 miles of dotted lines. To add to this are the rather disturding mental games one plays with ones self. My personal favorite is trying not to look at the milage signs indicating distance to your destination, only later to catch a glipsm of the sign and have the reality of how much longer you have come crashing down on your thinly stretched psyche. Or when you're tired you convince yourself that if you close one eye you can rest half your brain. Only 30 sec later to realize your eyes couldn't dicide which got to go first so they both closed. While ocationly I've found that I can't remeber the last 30 miles this is the brain defending itself from boredum.
So I object to any journey that can safely contain a Lord of the Rings or Star Wars marathon and still leave time to do a crossword puzzle as inhumane. But since video confrencing just doesn't seem to cut it, wish me luck and may the seat of my corolla have mercy on my backside.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Thursday, June 5, 2008
The day was bright and crisp. The temp was a balmy -39 which happens to be the same temp in Celsius and Fahrenheit. It couldn’t be a better day to celebrate saint lizisprettysmartforagirl day. Two thousand years ago on this day beloved saint lizisprettysmartforagirl introduced the art of chest sledding. It is the greatest day in recorded penguin history. Though some of the young fledglings of today dismiss this story as a myth. Some say it was a happy accident like the discovery of penicillin. They say a clumsy lizisprettysmartforagirl tripped one day on the top of a hill and happened to slide down. But a few faithful to the old ways say that it was a message meant to spread peace, sent from penguins that lived in the stars and that lizisprettysmartforagirl will come again riding on a giant orange tuna fish.
Me being the narrator and therefore knowing everything can say that none are true. Basically lizisprettysmartforagirl was just really bored and was trying to come up with fun things to do and is really quiet peeved that people pray to her instead of to God.
But all agree that sledding was a good idea and has brought joy to the entire penguin nation for two thousand sixty-four years three month two days and six to twelve hours depending on when I (the all knowing, wise, wonderful, and all around great guy) post this.
So it just so happens that on this beautiful day there was a young penguin near the tip of South America practicing his inverted 360 in honor of the sledding festivities. This young penguin’s name was Squeeker. He wasn’t particularly the best sledder but he wasn’t bad and even won some amateur competitions last year.
After a couple of good runs he decided to take a break and get a drink and a snack.
“Hey Squeeker what’s up your looking good on the slopes today”
“Mark were you been, I haven’t seen you in three months”
“Okay so three months ago I was out getting a bite to eat you know, and this crazy storm like totally blew me almost to the east side. I’ve never been to the east side I thought hey why not, so I did, saw the sights, met some cute chicks.”
“Hey now what have I told you about going after younger penguins,” Squeeker playfully interupted.
“You know what I mean”
Just as Squeeker was about to give his friends a firm slap across the back of his head. He saw something out in the distance coming in from the sea.
“Hey what’s that?”
“Aw its probably those silly human from up North. Who knows how they live in that heat. They’re just coming here to cool off.”
But these ships were nothing like the human exploration ships that frequented the coast during the summer. As the Polar bear landing craft hit the beach it would soon be clear that something terrible was starting. This was just the first wave, thousand more were just off shore.
“That’s no human its way to furry Mark.”
“Maybe they just came for sledding day it is the greatest day of the year.”
But when the snow ball cannons started firing there was no doubt, that they weren’t interested in sledding. The penguin police were no match for the trained polar bear army. Of course the entire penguin military wasn’t a match for an angry gerbil with a tooth pick, but against this army the seen was horrific.
Panic immediately set on the gathered crowd. The lucky ones managed to jump into sea. But most just ran into each other in panic.
Squeeker was at first just as scared out of his mind as everyone else. However these are the times that heros are born. He gather himself.
“What do I do What do I do What do I do What do I do!” Mark yelled in a near catatonic state.
Squeeker delivering the belated slap across the back of the head that was interrupted by the landing and yelled, “get yourself together.”
“They’re attacking us . . . icy snow balls of death and doom. We’re doomed. The horror the horror.”
“We can’t stay here, we need to get to the ocean. Quick up the hill”
“ But Squeeker that’s away from the ocean”
“Trust me!”
As they turned to run up the hill ( as well as a penguin can run) Squeeker ran right into Kristy a rather attractive penguin that he had known and . . . noticed for about two years. He lay on the ground next to her
“Uh uh uh uh”
“Squeeker let’s go, or have you decided against what ever your crazy plan is.” Mark yelled from a little ways up the hill.
“Kristy come with me I’ll get you to safety.”
“The top of the hill is safe?”
“Trust me”
“Sure Mr. I’m a hero when facing the Icy snow balls of death and doom, but when he sees a pretty female he has a crush on he goes to peices.” marc muttered between breaths.
Down below the polar bears were beginning to round up the rest of penguins. They, in their wildest dreams, never believe it would be this easy. In the confusion none of the polar bears had noticed the three young penguins scurrying away from the crowd. But just as Squeeker, Marc and Kristy had scurried to the top they were spotted by the polar bear colonel
“After them, let none escape.”
“What now Squeeker.”
“Slide down the steep side into the ocean then we’ll swim away”
“Swim were,”asked Kristy
“North. . . were else is there?”
With that he started his slide to safety. On foot they didn’t stand a chance of getting through the polar bear lines. Sledding they quickly picked up speed, with snowballs exploding all around them they slid past the bears to the ocean and their escape. Once in the water they easily made in though the Polar Bear fleet.
Me being the narrator and therefore knowing everything can say that none are true. Basically lizisprettysmartforagirl was just really bored and was trying to come up with fun things to do and is really quiet peeved that people pray to her instead of to God.
But all agree that sledding was a good idea and has brought joy to the entire penguin nation for two thousand sixty-four years three month two days and six to twelve hours depending on when I (the all knowing, wise, wonderful, and all around great guy) post this.
So it just so happens that on this beautiful day there was a young penguin near the tip of South America practicing his inverted 360 in honor of the sledding festivities. This young penguin’s name was Squeeker. He wasn’t particularly the best sledder but he wasn’t bad and even won some amateur competitions last year.
After a couple of good runs he decided to take a break and get a drink and a snack.
“Hey Squeeker what’s up your looking good on the slopes today”
“Mark were you been, I haven’t seen you in three months”
“Okay so three months ago I was out getting a bite to eat you know, and this crazy storm like totally blew me almost to the east side. I’ve never been to the east side I thought hey why not, so I did, saw the sights, met some cute chicks.”
“Hey now what have I told you about going after younger penguins,” Squeeker playfully interupted.
“You know what I mean”
Just as Squeeker was about to give his friends a firm slap across the back of his head. He saw something out in the distance coming in from the sea.
“Hey what’s that?”
“Aw its probably those silly human from up North. Who knows how they live in that heat. They’re just coming here to cool off.”
But these ships were nothing like the human exploration ships that frequented the coast during the summer. As the Polar bear landing craft hit the beach it would soon be clear that something terrible was starting. This was just the first wave, thousand more were just off shore.
“That’s no human its way to furry Mark.”
“Maybe they just came for sledding day it is the greatest day of the year.”
But when the snow ball cannons started firing there was no doubt, that they weren’t interested in sledding. The penguin police were no match for the trained polar bear army. Of course the entire penguin military wasn’t a match for an angry gerbil with a tooth pick, but against this army the seen was horrific.
Panic immediately set on the gathered crowd. The lucky ones managed to jump into sea. But most just ran into each other in panic.
Squeeker was at first just as scared out of his mind as everyone else. However these are the times that heros are born. He gather himself.
“What do I do What do I do What do I do What do I do!” Mark yelled in a near catatonic state.
Squeeker delivering the belated slap across the back of the head that was interrupted by the landing and yelled, “get yourself together.”
“They’re attacking us . . . icy snow balls of death and doom. We’re doomed. The horror the horror.”
“We can’t stay here, we need to get to the ocean. Quick up the hill”
“ But Squeeker that’s away from the ocean”
“Trust me!”
As they turned to run up the hill ( as well as a penguin can run) Squeeker ran right into Kristy a rather attractive penguin that he had known and . . . noticed for about two years. He lay on the ground next to her
“Uh uh uh uh”
“Squeeker let’s go, or have you decided against what ever your crazy plan is.” Mark yelled from a little ways up the hill.
“Kristy come with me I’ll get you to safety.”
“The top of the hill is safe?”
“Trust me”
“Sure Mr. I’m a hero when facing the Icy snow balls of death and doom, but when he sees a pretty female he has a crush on he goes to peices.” marc muttered between breaths.
Down below the polar bears were beginning to round up the rest of penguins. They, in their wildest dreams, never believe it would be this easy. In the confusion none of the polar bears had noticed the three young penguins scurrying away from the crowd. But just as Squeeker, Marc and Kristy had scurried to the top they were spotted by the polar bear colonel
“After them, let none escape.”
“What now Squeeker.”
“Slide down the steep side into the ocean then we’ll swim away”
“Swim were,”asked Kristy
“North. . . were else is there?”
With that he started his slide to safety. On foot they didn’t stand a chance of getting through the polar bear lines. Sledding they quickly picked up speed, with snowballs exploding all around them they slid past the bears to the ocean and their escape. Once in the water they easily made in though the Polar Bear fleet.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Concerning Penguins
Many ages ago My sister mentioned the Polar Bear oppression of Penguins and the plight of the Paraguayan sloths. Considering at the time the rise in popularity of the creature I decided that the world was ready to hear this harrowing tail.
Unfortunately due to the rigors of Graduate school the story was never finished. I intend to repent of my sloth(no pun intended) and resume my writing.
Polar opposites (a working title)
The young penguins played in the waning sun light. Soon the summer would be over and all the penguins would begin their yearly march back to the ocean for the dark cold winter. Things had been good these past few years. Little did these harmless flightless birds know that this would be the darkest winter in penguin history.
The great chronicles of the penguin nation are in fact the second longest in existence. The longest being the cockroach histories that was began when the penguin’s ancestors were still soaring above their private continent on which they had a very nice tropical resort.
The penguin chronicles were began by a rather large penguin by the name of Lizsmellslikeoranatangmoles. His friends just called him Lizsmells for short. As the legend goes as Lizsmellslikeoranatangmoles was sitting on the egg of his fourth child near a smooth ice cliff. Not having anything to do he took a rock and scratched these words,”weather cold, wife laid egg, sat on egg till hatched, went and ate fish.” This being about all that penguins do each subsequent entry is a ditto mark.
All the other penguins thought this was such a great thing to do that they made him emperor. Not wanting to leave any of his posterity out Emperor Lizsmellslikeoranatangmoles declared that all of his posterity would be co-emperors. This was fine because the stated principles of the empire was every penguin has the inalienable right to eat fish and lay and hatch eggs. This being what penguins do best, no decision or organization was needed; so the thousands of the emperors decedents really couldn’t botch things up like they’d seen countless times in dodos, armadillos and (my person favorite example) humans.
This was the summer the Year of emperor Lizsmellslikeoranatangmoles (y.e.l.) 10365. Not that any of the penguins new that; they were busy eating fish and complaining about the way the youngin’s slid on there stomachs these days and the best types of snow to sit on while hatching an egg.
Half a world away the polar bears plotted. Soon their summer would begin. Each year they must leave the ice that would melt away. And to make thing worse the stupid humans and their stupid cars had made the ice melt more and more each year. Soon they feared the ice would melt completely. For millennia they had looked with envy at the southern most continent. With rock far below the ice the penguins were not the mercy of the unpredictable sea ice.
Soon they would be free from their melting prison and soon they would be rulers of the south.
Unfortunately due to the rigors of Graduate school the story was never finished. I intend to repent of my sloth(no pun intended) and resume my writing.
Polar opposites (a working title)
The young penguins played in the waning sun light. Soon the summer would be over and all the penguins would begin their yearly march back to the ocean for the dark cold winter. Things had been good these past few years. Little did these harmless flightless birds know that this would be the darkest winter in penguin history.
The great chronicles of the penguin nation are in fact the second longest in existence. The longest being the cockroach histories that was began when the penguin’s ancestors were still soaring above their private continent on which they had a very nice tropical resort.
The penguin chronicles were began by a rather large penguin by the name of Lizsmellslikeoranatangmoles. His friends just called him Lizsmells for short. As the legend goes as Lizsmellslikeoranatangmoles was sitting on the egg of his fourth child near a smooth ice cliff. Not having anything to do he took a rock and scratched these words,”weather cold, wife laid egg, sat on egg till hatched, went and ate fish.” This being about all that penguins do each subsequent entry is a ditto mark.
All the other penguins thought this was such a great thing to do that they made him emperor. Not wanting to leave any of his posterity out Emperor Lizsmellslikeoranatangmoles declared that all of his posterity would be co-emperors. This was fine because the stated principles of the empire was every penguin has the inalienable right to eat fish and lay and hatch eggs. This being what penguins do best, no decision or organization was needed; so the thousands of the emperors decedents really couldn’t botch things up like they’d seen countless times in dodos, armadillos and (my person favorite example) humans.
This was the summer the Year of emperor Lizsmellslikeoranatangmoles (y.e.l.) 10365. Not that any of the penguins new that; they were busy eating fish and complaining about the way the youngin’s slid on there stomachs these days and the best types of snow to sit on while hatching an egg.
Half a world away the polar bears plotted. Soon their summer would begin. Each year they must leave the ice that would melt away. And to make thing worse the stupid humans and their stupid cars had made the ice melt more and more each year. Soon they feared the ice would melt completely. For millennia they had looked with envy at the southern most continent. With rock far below the ice the penguins were not the mercy of the unpredictable sea ice.
Soon they would be free from their melting prison and soon they would be rulers of the south.
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