My life as a lab monkey

As as undergraduate I was working on a project that required that I rinse a large rack of test tubes between processing of 20 or so protein samples. During this rather boring and repetitive process I mentioned to the graduate student, whose project I was working on, "I wish I could train a monkey to do this . . . Wait I'm the monkey aren't I. " To which he laughed at my moment of clarity, mentioned he'd trained me well and he left to get his morning coffee.

As a graduate student, I'm merely a better trained monkey with a stipend(thank you tax payers), and fewer classes. But few of my friends and family really understand just exactly my day is like. Despite what PETA thinks I do not spend my days torturing our genetically modified vermin.


It's really kind of sad to watch a bunch of scientist getting excited talking about some black bands on X-ray film. As exciting as results to experiments is performing the experiments is dull and boring. Results are like a pep really that gets psyched up and ready for the next month until you get more data.


First misconception, experiments work.
If experiments worked the first time every time, we'd have had a cure for cancer decades ago, most of us baring war or stupidity would expect to see 100, there would be no bald men, and you'd be able to grow a good tomato in Antarctica. I've been trying to get the same experiment to work for 2 months and no one is questioning my future as a scientist.

Second, Time
One day while in Lab during some free time, I logged onto Facebook. Every person I know at UAB was also logged on. But I doubt if any of us was wasting time. From the I time I start in the morning till I go home, there is probably a timer running. Any step less than 2 min or longer than an half and hour are the best. For the short steps you stay busy, the longer wait times you can play games, check Facebook, sometime I even watch TV on Hulu. The worst are the 5 to 10 min waits. They're long enough you get bored, but to short to take your gloves off and do something else. So usually I just stare out the window and hope someone does something funny outside (stupid drivers provide most of the entertainment). So one of the most used and most hated tools in a lab is your timer. Heck if things worked as fast as they do on CSI, we'd cure cancer in the next 10 years, expect to live to 90, there would still be bald people but you'd be able to grow a good tomoato in Idaho.


Third cellular and molecular Immunologist are really smart
Let's face it I'm not stupid . . . most of the time. But if I was really smart I'd be a pharmacist or other profession that was less frustrating, paid better, (time out my timer went off got to go back to work) and required less education.

Break
70% of molecular biology consists of these three lab methods
1st you stick something to something else. Usually we use antibodies, because why work hard when nature will do the hard part for you. If you can stick stuff to it you can do all kinds of fun stuff like make it glow pretty colors.
2nd you centrifuge. We love to spin stuff around and around really fast(8000-15000 rpm wish the engine in my car could do that). Basically we separate stuff that floats from stuff that sinks. I far as I know cells don't get dizzy, but I've not tested that hypothesis.
3rd we zap it through a gel. Fun fact: some of the "jello" we make is from a mild nuerotoxin. The idea is we use electricity to push stuff through the gel. Small stuff goes fast, big stuff goes slow. Then we can guess how big it is.
So I'm usually mixing up stuff to do the above three steps or waiting for the above steps to finish.

End of break.


Fourth getting a PhD
people ask me all the time, how long is your program. First program is assuming more regularity than exist. I'm here till I'm done, the average is 5 years after six years they start dropping hints and around 7 they might declare you a lost cause and toss you out with a masters. I will probably never fill out another time card in my life. I can wander in anytime of day that I want. No one cares when I'm here so long as I make lab meeting. The only thing that matters is results. If I buckled down, brought myself to the brink of caffeine poisoning, temporarily windowed my wife, and forfeited my weekends and my experiments worked my way (see first misconception) they might even let me out in 3-4 years. Most of us strike a balance, vacations can be had when needed, you can sleep in if you want, but there are far to many 10 and 12 hour days and I'm here usually 1 Sat. a month.

So for those of you who sit there and stare blankly back at me as I ramble on about my uninteresting life thinking, "I wish he'd shut up", I sorry and I won't be offend if you tell me you don't care. I get excited, and forget I'm a science nerd and most people don't care about the molecular mechanisms for the activation and survival signals of the immune system and it's implication in autoimmune disease.